Fire Up For Fall: Week Three

1. What have you done this week to get to your goals?  I've been pretty good on water, poor on my eating, and crummy on exercise.  Two days I had more than one caramel frappe a day so I blew that, too!  I gained a half of a pound.  I'm on the fence as to what to do about Weight Watchers.  One of my goals for this challenge was to recommit to it but I haven't done that.  I'm going to try this upcoming week on my own and see how I do.  I think WW is a wonderful program, it just may not be right for me at this time.  It's become a structure I want to rebel against so I'm taking it out of the equation for this week.

2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?  This one's easy... I cleaned out two closets that have been in need of a cleaning for YEARS.  I didn't realize how good this would make me feel.  I think maybe it's given me some motivation to do more purging around here.

3. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?  What are your goals?  Ambitions?  My goodness this is a hard one for me and to be brutally honest, it's the kind of question and thinking I run away from as fast as I can.  Why?  Because this being a stay-at-home mom has been hard for me and when I look down the road 5 years and see more of the same I don't know how I feel.  I don't want to go back to work and have the kids get taken to and from school by a day care bus that takes them to spend the rest of the day at day care.  But I miss the mental challenges that work brings.  Here's what I can say for sure no matter how the next five years work: I hope in five years I'm happy with the decisions I've made over the previous five years.

4. Give us a tip or a fact.  About anything.  Never fill up your car with gas when the tanker truck is there.  When they fill the tanks with fuel it stirs up sediment in the tanks and you put that crap in your car, making it less efficient.

5. What was the most recent dream you can remember?  I had a very vivid and detail-filled dream last night that I had Stage 3 breast cancer in my left breast.  Then I get up this morning and there's a breast cancer PSA in my email.  Is someone trying to tell me something?

I know Rebecca asked for a positive picture and I don't know if this qualifies.  But it was positive in that it made me laugh (guffaw actually) out loud.  Having five and six year old boys I'm sure this is simply a glimpse of the future!

Fire Up For Fall: Week Two

It's Week Two of the Fire Up For Fall challenge so that means it's time to check in!

1. What have you done this week to help you achieve your goals?
I've drunk my water every day, exercised several days, tracked some days, blogged three times and I've only had one caramel frappe daily.  Overall about a 65% hit rate on my goals each day.  I lost 1.5 pounds this week.

2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?  I got my nails done as a gift to myself for my 40th birthday.

3. What is your talent? What are you good at? {Genuinely, EVERYONE has something big or small}At the moment my talent is needlepoint and cross-stitch.  Or maybe I suck at it and it's just a hobby.  No, I'd say I'm talented at it.  Here's a picture of a needlepoint work in progress...

4. What's been the highlight of your week, toot your horn, what are you proud of !
The highlight/lowlight/most important part of my week was that my 47-year-old brother had a massive heart attack with 100% blockage of the carotid artery.  I say this is a highlight because I'm just so damned glad it didn't kill him.  As for what I'm proud of, I'd say I'm proud that I didn't binge as a result of the stress of it.

5. Fun Question: What's your guilty pleasure TV?Hands down my guilty TV pleasure is the Real Housewives of you-name-it-I'll-watch-it.

My positive picture of the week is of what I did to make myself feel fabulous... it's my hand with my new nails!

Depressed

I wish I knew exactly why I'm feeling so down.  I know it's related to my brother's almost-fatal heart attack but I can't put my finger on exactly why I feel so down and on why my eating hasn't been on track.  Logically this should reinforce the healthy eating, but instead I find I now want to eat and eat and eat.

My dad has been on my mind a lot these last few days, since he also had his first heart attack at 47 and died of heart failure at 53.  Going through this with Mike now brings back plenty of memories of my dad's struggle and the choices he made that helped lead to his death.  Part of me worries about what this family legacy means for my own heart health but the other part of me likes my aunt's theory that this is a male issue in our family, not a female.  I don't buy that, though... the reason it's not a female issue is because there aren't biological females in this line of the family, so I don't put much weight in that theory.

I guess I'm sad that my brother's life is going to be so altered because of this.  He's going home from the hospital wearing a LifeVest (a difibrillator built into the vest) for three months and then they'll see what the permanent solution will be.  I just hope he makes the changes to his diet that are necessary.  Clearly genetics is stacked against him; the only thing he can control is his diet (he doesn't drink or smoke) and his stress level.  Time will tell.

My birthday

Yesterday I turned 40 and it was definitely a big day, though not in the way I expected.  My 47 year old brother, Mike, had a major heart attack with near 100% blockage (I think he had what the cardiologists call the widowmaker).  The good news is that my sister-in-law is not a widow.  Though his heart is damaged, his spirits and sense of humor are not.

My dad had his first heart attack at 47 as well  He had another a couple years later, then finally succumbed to heart failure at 53.  Now my brother starts at 47 as well.  My brother and I both inherited our physical characteristics and bodies from our dad, so this is a wake-up call for me as well as for my brother.  We've both got to lose some weight and move more.  I'm on the right track, having lost 24 pounds so far, but I have a long way to go.  My dad couldn't break the hold his addictions (smoking, drinking and eating) had on him but my brother and I can change our eating.

One thing is clear... this can't just be a temporary goal.  I have to be in this for life.  To commit that once I'm at a healthy weight, I'll keep up the exercise my body needs to stay healthy, that I'll keep eating right so I can maintain some level of health so I can prevent these problems.

Yesterday was shot as far as exercise and tracking but given I was at the hospital all day I'm fine with how the day went.  One goal for the challenge that I've stuck with every day so far has been to only have one caramel frappe a day.  This is a HUGE accomplishment for me so I'm giving myself major props for breaking the habit of multiple frappes per day.

I'm still very worried about my brother as he's still at risk for a major cardiac event, but I can say I had a very happy birthday.  The best birthday present ever... my brother is still with us!

Fire Up For Fall: Week One

I haven't blogged since the beginning of August and probably not-so-coincidentally, I've only lost a few pounds since.  To get back on track with my weight loss efforts as well as my blogging, I've joined a seasonal challenge called Fire Up For Fall hosted by Rebecca at Weight Wars.  Each week I will check in and assess how I've been doing with my goals and I will answer questions posed by Rebecca weekly.

1.  What are your goals for the Fall Challenge?
       A. Recommit to following the Weight Watchers plan; track everything I eat.
       B. Drink 100 ounces of water every day.
       C. Do some form of exercise for 30 minutes, five times per week.
       D. Blog at least three times per week.
       E. Lose 15 pounds.
       F. Have only one Hungry Girl caramel frappe per day.  This may sound silly but this just might be my hardest goal!

2.  Why have you chosen these goals?
I chose these because they are fundamental to a more healthy lifestyle and to my weight loss efforts.  Striving towards these goals will help me get more in control of my eating and exercise habits.

3.  What have you done this week that's made you feel fabulous?
Absolutely nothing, in fact I can't think of the last time I did anything to make me feel fabulous.  This is a great reminder that I need to prioritize myself higher than I currently do.  I'm going to work on this one so I can learn what fabulous feels like!

4.  What do you think will be your biggest challenge in reaching your goals?
Not slipping into emotional eating, self-sabotage, and binge behaviors will be the biggest challenge, hands down.  That is the core that underlies my goals.  If I don't make progress on my goals during this challenge I can guarantee that these factors are in the driver's seat.

5.  Where in the world do you live?  What's amazing about it?
I live in Carrollton, Texas, USA which is a suburb of Dallas.  I can't call where I live amazing (with a straight face anyway) but one thing I like is that I feel like I live in a smallish community, whereas it's really a town of 125,000 attached to the Dallas metroplex.  I live with my two kindergarten boys, two dogs and a wonderful husband, so I think that's pretty amazing!

And now for my positive picture or image for the week is a saying from Pinterest that applies to both my life in general and to these healthy living goals as well.  A reminder that to get the results I want, I have to put the effort in.

Have a great week and thanks for reading!

Welcome back, me!

I'm excited about tomorrow as it is a jumpstart to my stalled weight loss efforts.  I've joined a seasonal challenge called Fire Up For Fall (more info on that tomorrow) that's getting me motivated to recommit to getting healthier.

It's been a busy six weeks since I last blogged, as it brought the end of summer break and the start of kindergarten for the boys.  They've been at school for four weeks now and I admit I'm still adjusting.  Adjusting to having so much time and not always knowing how to fill it.  I've volunteered at the boys school a few times - the first time was met with glee and excitement and joyous expressions when they saw me, but subsequent times have been met with "Awww, Mom! We want other parents to do it, too."  Sigh.

I've been cross-stitching Christmas gifts for the boys' teachers and working on a needlepoint project that has been a lot of fun.  I never knew needlepoint could be so cool!  Lest you think I'm a complete needlepointing dork, let me assure you that this is definitely not my grandmother's needlepoint.  I'll post pics when I finish, probably in a few weeks.  Add to that catching up with friends without kids around, and trying to tackle little projects around the house and I've managed to stay busy enough so far.

I'll be back tomorrow with my first post for Fire Up For Fall, but in the meantime, here's a grainy picture of the first day of school...

Rebellion

I've been reading a book called Beck Diet Solution that is a compliment to whatever diet plan you're following.  It uses cognitive therapy techniques (something I'm a huge fan of since using them to combat my depression) to help you succeed on an eating plan.  I'm using the word diet because as much as I want this to be a "lifestyle plan", I'm calling it like it is.
A core concept in the book is to create a food plan for every day and then don't waver from it.  I got to that part in the book and then one night I diligently prepared my food plan for the next day, with only the best of intentions.  Up to this point I had been doing WW for two weeks and was very much staying on plan.  Unfortunately the creation of that food plan ran this train off the rails, so to speak.  I knew what was happening all day even as it was happening... I was rebelling.  Putting my food plan for the day in writing ahead of time gave me something to rebel against.  Something to resist.  When the author talks about how we want to strengthen our 'resistance' muscle, I don't think she meant to resist the food plan itself!

So that one day of off plan eating led to three days during which I really struggled to make good choices and keep within my points.  I was hyper-focused on food and even went through another period of grieving the junk I used to eat, also known as my food crutches.  Today is a Monday and fortunately, I woke up clear-headed and ready to get back on track.  So that's what I'm doing.

I'm still reading the book that recommended the food plan, but so much of it revolves around the food plan and resisting deviations from it that I don't know how much I'll be able to get out of the book.  I'm sticking with it for now because I still need help with all the sabatoging thoughts that are part of this weight loss journey.

My goal for this week is to be back on the WW plan every day - tracking and getting all my GHG's every day.  With exercise and water thrown in for good measure!

Weigh to go Wednesday

It's hard to pick which good news to share first.  Okay, first, I lost 2.5 pounds this week!  That's fantastic news that I'm happy about.  I've stuck to plan, stayed well within my WW points each day and only indulged in one real point-heavy treat (McDonald's caramel frappe for 13 points!).  Onwards to another great week.  I've already done an hour on the recumbent bike and it's not even 8:30 yet.

The other great piece of news is that MY FOOT IS HEALED!!!  Finally finally after almost three very long months I have healed from surgery.  No more MRSA, no more secondary infection - the wound is closed!  I can go swimming!  I can shower!  I don't have to worry about bandage changes or weekly trips to the doctor!  Can you tell I'm excited?  Unfortunately I am dealing with what he thinks is tendonitis that is causing pain in my foot, but he gave me an injection and wants me to do physical therapy if necessary in a month.

So that's my happy news!  Enjoy your day.

Slowing down

Well, I thought it would happen but I confess I didn't think my weight loss would slow down so much so fast.  I know it's just my body leveling out after a quick loss last week so I'm not concerned about it but that doesn't mean I like it!  I can honestly say that, so far, I've been the model Weight Watchers follower.  I've tracked every single thing that's gone in my mouth and have made almost exclusively good choices.  I had a couple tablespoons of Grant's leftover chocolate ice cream last night but I tracked it and was still under my points for the day so no stress over that.

This might fall into the TMI (too much info!) category but I've been constipated ever since starting on WW.  I'm going to post to one of the message boards about it and see if anyone has any good ideas.  I'm sure this situation doesn't help my weight loss!  I was never constipated when I ate crap all day long!  If I had to say what I missed most about eating junk it might be that :-)

Speaking of message boards, Weight Watchers has quite a few.  Lurking has helped me alot already.  This current situation of only losing .5 lbs this week is one I'm handling because of what I read on the boards.  WW says a healthy loss is between .5 and 2 lbs per week, and so many people on the boards have had the same experience but they assure others that this is normal.  That's good to hear.  I go back to what I've said before... this is a marathon and not a sprint.

Wednesday is weigh day

And since it's Wednesday, that means I get on the scale.  Well, it's my official weigh-in day anyway.  I get on the scale more than weekly let's just say.  So for my first week on Weight Watchers, I lost 5.5 pounds!  That means total lost since I turned over this new leaf is about 14.  I'm pretty proud of that.

I've been reading alot of WW message boards and articles and it's really reminding me that although I've had an excellent first week's loss, the loss I can expect is between .5 and 2 pounds per week.  This honeymoon period won't last and reading about this I think has helped me manage the disappointment I might feel when I have a week where I lose very little.  And from what I gather, there may be weeks when the scale moves in the other direction.  While I'm not planning it, this mindset is helping manage my expectation.

My goals for this week are to keep tracking all my points and to keep exercising.  Wish me luck!

So far, so good

This is my sixth day on Weight Watchers and so far it's going well.  I'm not playing any of the psychological games with myself to psyche myself out and set me up for failure.  I don't feel deprived at all.  I've fantasized about my McDonald's caramel frappe a few times but I'm just making sure I have enough flex points left in my weekly point budget so that I can have one if I really want one once in awhile.  It feels good to know that I don't have to completely give up treats that I love, but that I can eat them occasionally and still stay on the plan.

I had a few instances this weekend where I ate away from home and while that caused me a bit of anxiety, I didn't overdo anything and tracked everything that I ate.  McDonald's is another story, though.  The boys are bugging me to go there to get lunch and even said oh c'mon we can just drive through.  But I just don't want to put myself in that position yet.  Small steps.

My visit to the foot doctor was disappointing.  The MRSA is apparently gone and it's healing, but my doctor just has his heart set on opening the wound every time I see him, which is exactly what he did on Friday.  I know that he's making it heal in the right way but it hurts and I don't like it.  So at least 10 more days of not getting it wet.  It's been since May 5, people!  Can I tell you how short, unrewarding and infrequent showers are when you can't get one of your feet wet?  Yuk!

Saying yes to WW

After my last post in which I pondered joining Weight Watchers, I thought more about it and decided that I'm ready to try it again.  Only this time I have a different attitude.  My history with WW is that I quit after I have a bad day or two.  I'm not going to do that this time because I am in this for the long haul - bumps and all.  Of course I'm not planning on having any bumps, but seeing as how I'm human and a food addict, I accept that I may experience hiccups along the way.  But I'm not going to quit.

Also, I'm not committing to doing Weight Watchers forever.  If I find that for whatever reason it's not a good fit for me, I can stop WW without giving up my journey to get healthier and lose weight.  People lose weight all the time with and without WW so I'll arrive at what works for me at various stages of my journey.  I keep using the word journey because that's how I view it.  It may sound like I'm less than committed to what I'm doing but that couldn't be further from the truth.  I'm telling myself these things because I need to go into this with a contingency plan.  Without a contingency plan, it's too easy to quit.

Another thing different about this time is that I'm doing it with a friend.  We are both quite similar in our food issues and eating habits and confidence levels.  We're both doing the online version instead of the meeting version of WW, but we decided to share our weights with each other so that we'd feel that sense of accountability that people often get from weighing in at meetings.  Wednesday is our weigh-in day and boy was it tough to share that starting weight with another human!  But strangely it was kind of liberating at the same time.  Made it seem like there was nothing to be ashamed of.

I did 80 minutes on the recumbent today!  I keep busy with my iPhone playing word games online, reading all the blogs I follow, and catching up on news.  So far so good.  I tried one of the WW Smart Ones for lunch today and I'm already hungry less than two hours later.  My homemade tuna salad sandwich stuck with me much longer yesterday!

To WW or not to WW

I'm sitting here on my last day of my vacation to North Carolina and reflecting on how I've eaten during this trip.  Not so good.  I haven't been mindful of what I've been eating and I've found Laura's stash of bars, which is a major weakness for me.  I'm very worried that I've lost the momentum for healthful choices that I had coming into vacation.  I'll just have to wait and see how quickly I can bounce back into the positive changes I was working on.  I estimate that the scale is going to show a few pound weight gain on Wednesday morning, but I'll just have to wait and see on that.

In related news, I'm considering trying Weight Watchers again.  I've made a list of the pro's and con's and I think the pro's are winning out.  I won't do the version where you go to a meeting; instead I'll do the online version.  The pro's as I see them are 1) it's a proven successful method of weightloss; 2) I need to change the way I eat and this is as good a method as any; 3) I might enjoy the record-keeping aspect of it; 4) unlimited fruits and most veggies; 5) stay accountable by recording what I eat and what activity levels I have.

The con's are I've tried it before and I've failed.  It hasn't failed but I have failed at it.  Is the structured nature of it going to make me feel restricted or deprived?   And most importantly, related to why I've failed in the past, if I go over my points for a day am I going to want to give up?

The pro's are strong but the con's/questions are very real.  I have to recommit myself to these changes that I want to be permanent.  From what I read of others' experience with WW is that if I'm feeling deprived or overly restricted then I'm probably doing it wrong.  As for giving up if I have a bad off-plan day, I just have to decide that this is a marathon, not a sprint and that one bad day doesn't need to tank the whole operation.

I think I'll sign up for a three month deal and see how it goes.  But I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was scared of failing again.

Managing Expectations

Tomorrow is a big day for us as all four of us (me, Dave and our two five year olds - Kyle and Grant) are flying to North Carolina to spend a week with my friend Laura and her family.  We have to leave our house at 5 in the morning tomorrow so I am busily packing everyone today.  And since Dave is at the lake with the kids I've been doing it with the music plenty loud!

I've lost 10 pounds so far and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I might put some of that back on during the trip.  Mealtimes are going to be chaotic enough without me fretting about every morsel that goes in my mouth.  But then I need to decide not to fret about any weight gain.  This journey I'm on to lose this weight is a marathon, not a sprint, and I don't have to see the scale move in the right direction every single time I get on it; in fact sometimes it may move in the wrong direction, and that's just part of this.  I need to get fine with that.

I think I'm anxious for the scale to keep moving because I'm still so early in this path.  I've lost about 10 pounds, which is wonderful, but it's not to the point of me being able to tell in my clothes or in the mirror.  This vacation means it'll likely be August before I really start seeing changes.  I'm not trying to be negative, just being realistic, and talking about it helps me to accept it.  Being realistic and managing my expectations is going to help me manage any discouragement I may feel along the way.

I'll try to post tomorrow with my Burst Into Summer Challenge week 4 results but no promises since I'll be in NC! 

It happened

I've been at this eat healthier thing for two weeks now and I suppose this was going to happen sooner or later, but it happened today. I mindlessly ate three Fiber One bars today and now I'm stuffed. It was totally the old bar and junk food eating me back for a visit. Of course I have been beating myself up for it but I'm not getting carried away.

I'm not letting this derail my efforts. I'm getting the bars out of the house. It was a mistake to think I could have them in the house since bars (certainly not Fiber One, though) are one of the bad habits I gave up.
This brings up some stuff I need to think about, though.

I need to explore further why I use food in an unhealthy way. Today was a very long day here in stay-at-home-mom-land and the time was crawling unbelievably slow. This was a case of me eating out of boredom or nothingness, kind of an anxiety response to a painfully long day. I'm going to keep working on eating mindfully and just move on from today's choices. Definitely I'm learning to navigate these waters as I go.

Burst Into Summer - Week 3

It's been a good week overall. I lost four pounds this week! That means a total of nine pounds. I stayed away from junk all week, snacked on healthy stuff and kept drinking at least 100 ounces of water a day. Also big news this week is I added exercise in the form of my recumbent bike (formerly known as tote bag and miscellaneous crap holder). I've done 45 minutes today which is a huge deal for me. I'm doing it on no resistance at this point; I'll add resistance at some point but for now I'm able to ride without a bra on if that tells you anything!

My subject line is a bit misleading today. I've only been at the challenge and this journey for two weeks but I decided to make it consistent with the Burst Into Summer Challenge I'm doing over at shrinkingjeans.net.
Thanks for listening to my good news!

Adding exercise

Today is a good day so far. I noticed the scale not moving too much the last couple of days which implied to me that the weight isn't just going to keep falling off because I gave up junk food two weeks ago. Since my Zumba DVDs aren't going to be here for awhile yet, I broke down and got on the recumbent bike that's been gathering dust in here for years. I've gotten on it twice for a total of 25 minutes. I'm not riding it in a way that's giving me a fantastic workout, but what can I say but that I am the queen of the baby step!

I'm reading a book by Susan Albers called Eating Mindfully: How to End Mindless Eating and Enjoy a Balanced Relationship with Food and I'm really enjoying it. She talks about learning to be mindful in the mind, body, thoughts and feelings as all of that relates to food and eating. She talks about becoming aware during the process of eating and that has really resonated with me. Anyway, good read so far.

I'm off to have a good rest of the day and I hope you do the same!

So far, so good

Life is going well the last couple of days here in my world. I got through the bad day last week when I was so deeply grieving my junk food and those feelings have been pretty manageable since then. There is no way I'd have been able to give up the junk food if I wasn't drinking so much water. I'm drinking about 100 ounces a day and actually loving it. I still have about one full caffeine-free soda a day.

Because I know that this weight isn't going to fall off forever just because I gave up my 1,500 extra calorie a day junk habit, I know I need to start getting some exercise. I have a recumbent bike but that's about as much fun as a trip to the morgue, so I decided on something else. I ordered some Zumba DVDs from Amazon yesterday and I'm super excited for them to come. It may be a couple weeks before I can use them since we're heading for NC in a little over a week but it looks like fun.

Then my biggest challenge is going to be finding the time to actually do the videos (I guess calling them videos dates me, huh?), but I'm sure that's a challenge that everyone trying to make positive health changes deals with. I'll have to wait until Dave gets home from work and then I'll escape to the bedroom to zumba.

Also on the positive front is that I joined an online challenge at shrinkingjeans.net where teams compete to see who can lose the most weight over an 11 week period. I only have one person on my team so far but were expecting more soon. It's just something additional to keep me motivated.

My foot hasn't healed as fast as I'd hoped and it looks like I won't be able to go swimming during our trip to NC so that stinks. Now my biggest question is will I be able to go if I'm not yet in a tennis shoe. I'm off IV antibiotics now and on oral antibiotics so hopefully I'll be able to put this ordeal behind me soon! Wish me luck!

Grieving the food

The first five days of giving up the junk habits were relatively easy compared to the last few days. I feel like I'm in mourning for the Oreos, bars and high-cal drinks that no longer live at my house. The first handful of days it was all very new and I was caught up in it. Now life is just moving along and I'm doing it without my food crutches. I'm limping without them.

Does anyone else feel this way? I've been reading some blogs by people who have worked hard and lost a ton of weight and I wonder if they dealt with the sadness of not having that trusty old companion of food.

I confess that I'm going insane being home with the boys out of school for the summer (they start kindergarten in the fall but were in preK) and I used that junk food to measure time and to cope. Measuring time now involves watching the minute hand crawl around the clock whereas I used to break up the day with my junky snacks and that made the time go faster. Now I feel tortured by how slow it's going.

I don't know what to do about this grieving but I hope just getting more days under my belt is going to help.

Week one results

Simply dropping the junk out of my diet and adding some water in its stead resulted in a five pound weight loss over the last week! Remember that I was taking in an extra 1,500 calories a day in junk? In the last week the only junk in my diet was one caramel frappe.

I'm excited but pretty subdued. I know this is a honeymoon-type effect of omitting the junk and the weight isn't just going to keep falling off simply because my body is so happy to be treated better.

I've been waiting until my foot wound heals to start walking, but I'm sitting here looking at a perfectly good recumbent bike that could be used in the meantime. My goal for this week is to add the recumbent bike to my day at least a few days during the week. I'm going to wait until the picc line for the IV antibiotics comes out tomorrow afternoon before I even think about adding anything tht will make me sweat (and therefore make me need a shower which is quite difficult when I need to wrap my foot AND my arm).

I looked at my wound a couple of days ago and it looks like it's healing nicely so I hope the doc agrees. Our vacation to North Carolina is still set for a couple weeks from now, I just hope that I'll be given the green light to go swimming even though I dread with morbid fear the thought of showing my body to anyone, even though I'll be covered with a t-shirt.

I know that the remainder of my diet is due for an overhaul and that's causing me some anxiety I'm sure I'll post about at some point. But I'm not going to even think about my diet until returning from NC in the middle of July. That'll give me a good month where living without the junk food crutches, drinking more water, and incorporating some kind of exercise will take root before I add new stress of changing what I eat.

For today I'm just going to be proud of myself for what I've done so far.  Thanks to anyone who is following along!

A pleasant result from a bad choice

So yesterday I had one of my food crutches. I was with my boys and something had happened that made me both mad and sad. Fighting back tears because of what had happened, I pulled into McDonald's and ordered a caramel frappe. This is one of my hot button items - a cornerstone of the four bad habits I'm trying to give up. I then took it home and escaped into it for the hour it took me to drink it.

In the past, this would've been enough to derail me from my plans of being more healthy and losing weight. It would have served as the first domino to get pushed over that then knocks down one domino (positive resolution) after another. Within two days I'd be back to everything I'm trying to give up.

This time I'm giving this slip the perspective it deserves. Its not the end of the world and it shouldn't be the end of my positive life changes. I simply had a caramel frappe in a moment of emotional frustration. I'm trying to treat myself more compassionately that I have in the past. I haven't beat myself up over this, haven't called myself a failure. If I were really going to look at the bright side, I might say the caramel frappe was actually a good thing because it gave me the chance to treat myself better than I have in the past. So while I'm not happy that I had one of the items I'm giving up, I am happy with how I've handled it.

The depression motivation

I've struggled with depression since childhood. Not the low-grade, ride-it-out kind of depression that many people deal with; it's the deep chronic kind that doesn't respond well to medication. This means that instead of one or two medications, I take four anti-depressants - a cocktail that is currently working to keep me minimally engaged in my life.

I even recently took the drastic step of having TMS treatments for the depression. TMS is an FDA-approved treatment that involves sitting in a chair for about an hour while a series of magnetic pulses zap a particular area of the brain. You do that five days a week for six weeks.  It is a huge commitment of time and a VERY significant amount of money and it is not covered by insurance. But I was willing to do it if there was a chance it would help my depression. I'm glad I did it because there has been a positive change, though it wasn't the dramatic impact I was longing for.

So many studies have linked poor diets to depression and it dawned on me as I was forking over all that money for TMS, that maybe I should try changing my diet as well. This was a daunting thought - less daunting than the TMS commitment - because I've tried countless times to lose weight to no avail and then I just end up feeling more depressed because I failed. But I just had the nagging feeling that if I was desperate enough to spend that money and invest that time, maybe I was desperate enough to give changing my eating one more try. It wasn't enough of a sentiment to cause change on it's own, but it's rattled a round in my brain and combined with the other motivations to lead me to where I am today.

Its been five days since I cut out a bunch of junk from my diet, and the change in my depression is noticeable. No, I'm not ready to run to my shrink and start cutting medications, but I am inspired to keep up with the changes!

A bit different this time

This initiative to get more healthy is definitely starting differently than it has in the past, and I think the way I'm approaching things this time is promising. Historically I have tried to make a change by trying to alter everything. To go on a diet, drop all the bad habits, to start exercising, to change the way I feel about myself and so on. It's proven too much for me to tackle all at once, and for the first time I'm going to do this in manageable steps.

So far I'm still focusing on dropping the four bad habits I spoke of in an earlier post. I haven't tried to change the meals I eat yet. Dealing with the emotions involved in giving up my food crutches - the bars, oreos, the high-calorie drinks - is enough for me to deal with right now. The weather here in Texas right now is blazing hot, and when I find myself driving past Mcdonald's in the afternoon I feel a pull to stop and get my caramel frappe. I've resisted, and it's been easier than I thought it would be, but it's still hard.

Basically, I'm giving myself some time to get comfortable being without my food crutches. 'Im pretty happy with how it's gone so far, and proud of myself for how I've done. It's helping me a lot to write about this stuff and I'm sure that's part of the reason I've had such a good few days since giving those things up.

I've started drinking water in place of all the caffeine free Diet Dr Peppers I consume all day long and it feels really good. It's a small step but it's a good one. Tomorrow's task is to find some healthy snacking options and get some on hand for the week ahead.

The spectator motivation

As I've gained weight I've retreated further into myself and pulled away from the world around me. I avoid social situations because I'm embarrassed about my size and appearance. I avoid physical situations because being physically active is harder on my feet and knees than it used to be. It would be one thing if I was single and childless, but I have a great husband and two very active little boys who have to deal with my issues.

Basically I've become a spectator of life instead of an active participant. While this is manageable at this moment, it's not fair for Dave to be the only one taking the boys out and about to experience the world. The boys start kindergarten in the fall and they deserve a mom who isn't too embarrassed to volunteer at school or chaperone a field trip now and then.

The solution is two-fold I think. Yes, I need to change the way I've been treating my body so I can be more comfortable. But I also need to get out of my head so much. I spend so much time obsessing about my body and size, but I need to realize that other people probably don't give my body a second thought. And frankly, the people who matter don't care what I look like. It's going to be interesting to see which thing I have more trouble with - changing my body or changing my head.

On a practical note, I've got to give some more thought to snack foods.  Now that I'm giving up my four bad habits, well, I'm hungry.  This plan of getting more healthy is going to go off the rails pretty quickly if I don't proactively address the question of okay so now what am I going to eat instead?

The diabetes motivation

I had foot surgery on May 5; it is over five weeks later and the short version of the story is that I ended up with an infected wound that has required frequent (twice a week or more) doctor visits and twice-daily IV antibiotics. It has caused limited mobility and plenty of pain and discomfort. This has all left me with a glimpse into the future.

I carry nearly all the risk factors for diabetes, not the least of which is this extra 80 pounds. Diabetes scares me but it's all been pretty abstract until now; it's been enough to be on my mind regularly but not enough to motivate me to make any changes. But now I feel a bit differently since I've had to deal with one of the most common diabetic struggles - a non-healing foot wound.

I've gotten a sliver of a taste of how disruptive this aspect of diabetes can be (I'm not saying that my little foot wound is in any way as bad as having a devastating illness). The deadliness of diabetes is still pretty abstract to me, you know, the fact that it kills people.  But the quality of life changes this simple foot wound has caused has resonated with me. Does this mean I'm more afraid of inconvenience than I am of dying? No, of course not. But the inconvenience has been made real to me, and if that's enough to help motivate me to get healthier, then I'm just fine with that.

Bad habits

This isn't going to be a traditional, pull-the-trigger one day and change my eating habits. No going on a diet here. I've done that countless times and all it gets me is more pounds. I'm not signing up to fail yet again. I'm going to make small changes over a long period of time. Exercise will be important but that will be added later; I'm currently dealing with a wound from surgery that is infected so that has me sidelined for awhile.
I don't plan on counting calories but I am going to mention them from time to time because I think it's important that I be mindful of them.

I've identified four habits that have become ingrained that I'm going to change first.

• I eat an average of six Double Stuff Oreos everyday. That's 420 calories a day.
• I drink a large caramel frappe from McDonalds about five times a week. That's at least 500 calories a day. 
• I eat at least one but often two Zone bars a day, to the tune of 220 calories each.
• I drink a Starbucks vanilla frappe in the bottle every day; that's another 200 calories.

It's no wonder my weight has literally exploded when I look at those numbers; my bad habits are adding almost 1,500 extra calories to my diet every day.  This is in addition to normal to higher-than-normal sized meals. Elimating these three habits are the first key to finding a healthier balance in my life. I've gotten rid of the Zone bars, Oreos and Starbucks frappucinos from the house so those are the first two habits to go. Now I've got to figure out what, if anything, to replace those habits with from a healthy snacking perspective.

Since today is Thursday, that's the day I'm going to use as my day to weigh myself. I'm not going to post my weight here but I will post any pounds lost or (horrors) gained.

Next step is for me to put into words my motivation for getting healthier. Why is this time any different than the dozens of others?